If someone asked you to list all the things you love, how long would it take you to list yourself?
Beyond External Affection: The Ultimate Act of Valuing Who You Are
As originally published in Heart Speak on Medium.com.
Photo credit: francescoch on iStock
I recently heard this question and it certainly gave me cause to reflect. If I’m completely honest, I don’t think I would have listed myself at all — at least not without the prompt to do so.
Not because I don’t love myself — this is something I consciously work on every day — simply because I automatically thought of external sources such as my dog, other people, hobbies, etc.
That got me wondering…why is this the default and, more importantly, how can I change it?
The answer to the first part of that question is pretty straight forward. I was taught to always behave. I was expected to comply with whatever I was told to do, at all times. Life was all about pleasing others. It’s the age old story that so many of us experienced growing up, so it’s no wonder when asked about love, it was all about external affection and validation.
The answer to the second part of the question is far more complex, and one which will probably look different for everybody.
I’ve done a lot of healing over the past years. At the risk of sounding corny and cliché, I really have turned my life around. But when I say life, what I actually mean is me. I’ve turned me around. Because I was moving in a direction that was based on old and outdated programming.
Unbeknownst to me, I was making decisions based on the pain of my younger self. Decisions that were appropriate back then, but far from appropriate as an adult.
If you’re over the age of 30, then you were brought up in the era of fairytales.
Just about every cartoon and romantic movie included some version of a damsel in distress and a superhero that comes to save her.
Add to that the fact that society still frowns upon and judges people over a certain age for being single.
So it’s no wonder that we grow up believing someone will come save us from the terrifying thought of being alone.
And that deep seated fear — the fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment are the cornerstones of co-dependency — and the most important ones to de-bunk in order to come home to our sovereignty.
Healthy relationships don’t complete our life, they enhance it. And what I’ve learned is that the key to those is the relationship I have with myself.
So if you are feeling unfulfilled, simply look in the mirror. Because that’s where you will find the superhero you’ve been waiting for.
Going back to the question, after all this healing, how is it that I still do not think of myself first when someone asks about what I love?
Perhaps it’s because moments like this simply serve as a reminder that I still have a lot of work to do, and to do my best to accept that gracefully. After all, I believe life is about progress, not perfection.
I know that’s probably not the answer you were hoping for. But that’s just it. There is no silver bullet. There’s no magic potion or pill. There is simply a choice — always.
The moral of the story? Focus on change vs outcome. If I only focus on results, I will likely never change. But if I focus on change, results become almost inevitable.
Wherever you are on your journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
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Veronica Weedon is an integrative health coach, Rapid Transformation Therapy practitioner, hypnotherapist, and the Founder of Revival Health GmbH. After years of her own healing journey, Veronica now helps clients uncover the root cause of their own destructive patterns, reform their beliefs, and transform their relationships and life through a program that addresses health on an emotional, mental, and physical level.