Release, Renew, Revive: A Practical Approach to Letting Go

And the real reason most people don’t

As originally published in Illumination on Medium.com.

Man admiring the view from a mountain top. — Photo by francescoch on iStock

Most of us want a change of some sort — in health, in love, in life. But few are willing to do what it takes to make that change a reality.

This article explores why that is, and suggests ways to make letting go a little less painful.

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I’ve struggled with letting things go for most of my life. I held on to hurt, anger, frustration, and bitterness. Not necessarily on purpose or even consciously, but in looking back I now see how significantly my life was impacted because of it.

Whilst I have been privileged in many ways, my life has by no means been a walk in the park. Quite the opposite in fact.

Regardless of what happened, I spent years blaming others for my circumstances. Again, not consciously. I simply lacked a fundamental understanding of how humans operate. More importantly, I lacked the understanding of my own destructive patterns — what they really were, why I had them, and most importantly, how to change them.

The origin of our habits

95% of who we are is a set of memorised behaviours, emotional reactions, beliefs, perceptions, and attitudes that function like a subconscious computer program below our conscious awareness.

The majority of this program was shaped in early childhood. I wrote more about this in two recent articles entitled “The Cost of Caring Too Much” and “Quite Possibly the Only Knowledge You Need To Change Your Life”.

So if you think about it, for the most part, most people walk around unconscious all day long. It’s therefore no wonder that so many of us end up in less-than-ideal situations and feel more stuck than able to do something about it.

Man stuck with his head in the sand. — Photo: francescoch on iStock

And whilst many of us may say we want change, we also do almost everything in our power to avoid it. Because change implies venturing into the unknown — and that’s a scary place.

It goes back to the famous saying “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” No matter how bad our situation is, we know what we are getting. It’s predictable. And there is comfort in predictability.

Change also often requires us to venture out on our own — whether that’s leaving an unhealthy relationship, an unfulfilling job, a war-torn country, or many other situations. And this taps into our deep-seated primal fear of being alone, rejection and abandonment.

There’s a reason for this. Historically humans were only able to survive in tribes. Wandering off on our own would have meant almost certain death. This instinct is still hard-wired within us, and above all else, our drive as humans is to survive.

So where does this leave us?

The important questions

For better or worse, change often only happens when it is forced upon us — a tragedy, a trauma, a breakdown.

The point of change often only comes when our current level of discomfort outweighs the discomfort and fear of the unknown which inevitably accompanies change.

But there are two questions I would urge anyone unhappy with their current circumstances to consider.

1. What meaning are you giving to the events of your past?

It’s not the event that matters. It’s the meaning you give to it that does.
— Marisa Peer

For example, say two people are hit by a car and paralysed for life. One person may fall into a deep depression and curse life and everyone in it for suffering such a tragic fate. The other might use their situation to garner attention and become a motivational speaker around the world.

The point is, that there are infinite ways to respond to the events in our life, and no two people will ever respond in exactly the same way. We interpret events through our own, unique lenses.

We don’t see things how they are. We see them how we are.
— Dr. Joe Dispenza

Being able to take an objective look at our subjective selves is not only a valuable skill but an essential part of change.

2. Who or what is worth it?

Holding on to rage, resentment, or revenge are all-consuming emotions.

Emotions are energy in motion. And lingering emotions first create our mood, then our temperament, and ultimately our personality.

Emotions also do not simply disappear in time if they are not recognised, acknowledged, investigated, and nurtured to be released. They lead to pain — physical pain. Pain is simply emotion stored in the body.

So who does holding on to these emotions serve?

The person or thing we are angry at does not care. They have moved on. They are not affected by our negative emotions. But we are.

So the question is “Who or what is worth it?”

Who or what is worth us holding on to hurt for months, years, decades?

Who or what is worth us sacrificing our health, happiness, opportunities, freedom, love, sanity, or abundance for?

I would argue nobody and nothing.

I have been wronged by plenty of people in my life. I have been hurt, humiliated, belittled, betrayed, bullied, extorted, robbed, used, assaulted and abused.

For years the suppressed pain ruled my life — and the only person who suffered more was me.

Ask yourself “Who or what is worth it?”

The methodology

Change is hard. I know. But let’s break it down to make it more possible.

1. Understand WHAT we need to let go of.

Awareness is the first step towards transformation.

For the longest time in my life, I was unaware of my own destructive patterns. My subconscious programming was calling all the shots and I couldn’t understand why nothing ever worked out the way I imagined it would.

We must first become aware of our own program so that we know what exactly it even is that we need to let go of.

This requires brutal honesty, humility, and taking responsibility.

2. Understand WHY we should let go.

This requires clearly defining what we want and, more importantly, why we want it.

If we don’t know where we’re going, it’s a lot easier to get lost along the way. Simple as that.

But it’s not enough to say “I want to be rich” or “I want to find love” or “I want a beautiful house”.

What does rich mean to you? What does finding love mean to you? What does a beautiful house look like to you?

And with all of them, how will those elements make your life different? What will they give you? How will you feel when you have them? Why do you want them?

Remember, the desire for the new MUST outweigh the discomfort required to get it.

So WHY do you really want what you say you want?

3. Understand HOW to let go.

Change requires overriding our current subconscious programming.

Our thoughts lead to our feelings. Our feelings lead to our behaviour. Our behaviour reinforces our initial thoughts. It’s a cycle.

This means that if we wake up in the morning and think of all the same things we thought of yesterday, feel the same feelings, follow the same routine, worry about the same problems, talk about the same subjects, and stress about the same issues, our future will be exactly the same as our past.

Living through our thoughts and emotions of the past makes our future predictable. We cannot go to a new future whilst holding on to the emotions of the past.

Graphical depiction of how the same thoughts and feelings will lead to the same future as your past. — Image: Revival Health GmbH — adapted from Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work

Therefore to change, we must get beyond ourselves. We must recondition our body to a new mind.

I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.
— Albert Einstein

Doing this requires releasing the need to know HOW and WHEN our desired future will manifest. If we knew, then by default our future would be predictable, and then in effect, nothing would change.

We must teach ourselves to think new thoughts and feel new emotions — thoughts and emotions that are in alignment with the future we want. Only we must think and feel this way NOW, as if we are already living the life we desire.

Graphical depiction of how new thoughts and feelings will lead to a new future compared to your past. — Image: Revival Health GmbH — adapted from Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work

We control the WHY, but the unknown controls the HOW and WHEN.

And therein lies our challenge — to believe through the discomfort of not knowing.

Some call it trust. Some call it blind faith. Whatever it is, it’s necessary for real change.

New thoughts and new emotions raise our energetic vibration, and ultimately the law of attraction must apply. It’s physics.

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Fall on your face. Get up. Straighten your crown. Keep walking.

I’ve been consciously and actively working on my self-evolution for the past 4 years, and so much has changed for the better in my life. Yet I still have plenty of building blocks, some bigger than others.

Since attending Dr. Joe Dispenza’s progressive workshop earlier this month I have made a concerted effort to get beyond myself and feel as though my desired changes have already happened.

I constantly catch myself falling back into old thoughts and feelings. Like anything, this takes practice. And the mind learns by repetition. I also believe, and accept, that life’s about progress, not perfection.

The key is to keep progressing.

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