It’s Not Normal, It’s Toxic

Understanding what unhealthy relationships are can help you move towards better ones

As originally published in Better Humans on Medium.com.

Having spent most of my life unaware of the harm my relationships were causing me, I eventually learned what toxic relationships are and the devastating effects they can have on a person. In this article, I share my learnings in the hopes that it can either enlighten others as to what they may be experiencing or recognise the red flags and move towards healthier relationships going forward.

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Several years ago, I was fortunate enough to escape what I later understood to be a highly toxic romantic relationship. In total, I spent six years with the man. And as the years passed, I found myself inexplicably getting weaker, ill, exhausted, and confused, all to the point where I was becoming but a shadow of my former self.

By the time I got out, I:

Had suffered a seizure
Had back surgery due to a herniated disc
Was iron deficient
Had brain fog so bad I barely avoided several car accidents
Could not focus at all
Had chronic fatigue to the point where I was falling asleep in business meetings

And the list goes on… So, how did it come to this? Well, let me go back to the beginning…

A Love Like No Other

It was 2013. I was living in London and was pretty content with life. I was healthy, had a good job, and was earning well. I rode my motorcycle every day, lived close to my best friend and goddaughter, and loved the apartment I was living in.

My ex worked at the same company I did, albeit in a different division. We met at a mutual co-worker's leaving door and got along instantly. Over the next few months, he pursued me, but in a way, I had never been pursued before.

The attention was nonstop, the flattery, too. All the little gestures he made indicated he cared. He wanted to know all about my hopes and dreams and my worries and fears. He made me feel seen and understood like nobody else ever had.

He was also very open early on, sharing very personal information, which led me to believe he was emotionally mature enough to be vulnerable. However, I also had moments when I thought, “this is too much, it’s strange.”

A prime example of this was when he sent me a message in the middle of the workday asking if he could talk to me in the conference room, saying it was urgent. Now, as a rule, I never handle personal matters at the office — work is work, and private life is private life — but he seemed out of sorts, so I made an exception and met him in the conference room.

He acted all flustered and proceeded to tell me that he had cancer at a young age and had to go for regular check-ups. One such check-up had just happened, and the doctor called him to come back in because they found something. I remember standing there thinking: “Why is he telling me this? We barely know each other yet. Shouldn’t he be telling this to a close friend?”

But my rationale took over, and I told myself: “Don’t be an asshole. This guy is going through something hectic. Be a decent person and help out.” So, I offered to go to the hospital with him. He said he’d prefer to go alone but that it would be great to meet up later to talk. I agreed and said he could call when he was done, which I expected to be around 19:00 or so. He eventually called at 22:00 and came over to talk, telling me that everything turned out to be OK.

As I learned six years later, my original gut feeling was spot on in knowing something was off. It turns out he never had cancer. He never went to a doctor. He had nothing to do at all that evening, but he waited until 22:00 to show up to see how far he could push me in terms of waiting for him. I know this sounds twisted — because it is! Who would lie about something like cancer?

A narcissist would. This is just one example from my own life, but one that, unfortunately, is all too common. From everything I have learned, it is common for them to lie about diseases, as they always portray themselves as the hero or the victim. And yes, there is a method to their madness.

The Abuse Cycle

When I first came across the narcissistic abuse cycle, so much started to make sense. Looking back at my relationship, I could identify the various stages.

There are four main stages to a narcissist’s abuse cycle. Here’s what it looks like:

Surthrivetribe gives a great description of each of these stages:

1. Idealise

A phase of immense flattery, gifts, and excessive attention to appeal to your heart, weaken your defence mechanisms, and allow you to be drawn into a whirlwind romance without even realising it.

2. Devalue

Admiration ceases to exist and is replaced by verbal and emotional abuse. This phase is characterised by cruel, degrading, and condescending remarks, often disguised as jokes and sarcasm. Victims feel confused, doubt themselves, and develop low self-esteem.

3. Discard

This is where the victim’s usefulness to the abuser has ceased. The abuser has found a new supply. Someone to replace the victim to fulfill all of their needs. The victim is tormented and thrown away as if the love shared between them never existed.

4. Hoover

The narcissist attempts to draw a victim back into an abusive relationship by any means necessary: begging, crying, guilt-tripping, projecting, blame-shifting, etc.

This cycle can continue for months, years, decades, or a lifetime if you have a narcissistic family member. The tragic part is that most people are unaware of this cycle and how narcissists function, and therefore, once trauma bonded, they find it nearly impossible to ever break free from the toxic relationship. I was one of these people.

For those who are unfamiliar with trauma bonding:

A trauma bond is an emotional bond with an individual that arises from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. — Wikipedia

The process of forming trauma bonds is referred to as trauma bonding and is sometimes also referred to as Stockholm syndrome. It happens to some abuse and hostage victims when they have positive feelings toward an abuser or captor.

Having understood the abuse cycle, I still wondered why it was so hard to leave the relationship, given how difficult things always were. That is when I started to learn about the common tactics narcissists use.

Toxic Tactics

Within the abuse cycle, narcissists implement numerous tactics to keep your trauma bonded to them. Here are some of the primary tactics they use:

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your perceptions by persistently putting forth a false narrative. This continues to the extent that you become disoriented and distressed, ultimately questioning your reality.

For example, something my ex did was hide my car keys. I rarely lose things, and as soon as I get home, I always place my car keys in a little dish close to the entrance.

One day, when I was about to leave, my keys were not there. I was surprised, and my first thought was that I must have misplaced them, but simultaneously, I knew this was very unlike me. I looked everywhere and could not find them, so I asked my ex if he had seen them. He told me I must have left them somewhere — had I checked my bag, my coat pockets, etc. Then, all of a sudden, he said, “Look, I found them; they were on the living room table.”

This may sound like a minor thing, but incidents like this happened all the time, to the point where I thought I was losing my mind. Turns out this is the whole point. A narcissist wants you to feel like you are losing your mind so that you can no longer trust yourself. This is one way they use to control you.

Minimising

Minimising denies or downplays anything that doesn’t fit with a propagandist’s goals. Narcissists are highly image-conscious, so they frequently minimise the negative consequences of their actions. They also discount the feelings and needs of others, which they see as nuisances.

An example of this was when I expressed to my ex that I was unhappy at work, didn’t think the environment was a healthy one, and wanted to think about other options. Instead of supporting me, he told me that I wasn’t putting in enough effort to make it work — that I should suggest new projects and that it was my fault I was not happy there.

Ruining important occasions

Whenever you have an important occasion or something serious happens, the narcissist will always find a way to ruin your day and make themselves the centre of attention.

For example, the moment I found out my mother passed away, my ex did not comfort me. Instead, he threw himself on me and started sobbing. It was the middle of the night, and I remember sitting in bed gobsmacked, wondering what universe I was just thrown into.

Eventually, I pulled him up and said, “Why are YOU crying?” He looked at me blankly and said, “Well, I lost her and loved her, too.” I couldn’t believe my ears — like somehow my feelings were irrelevant in this situation?! Eventually, I got up and said we need to go NOW, get your stuff. As if on cue (because it WAS fake), he stopped sobbing instantly and got up. We drove the six hours to where my parents lived, and almost immediately upon arriving, he told me that he would not stay but take (my) car and go back home — he had work to do — once again putting the focus on himself.

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There are many more methods, and entire books have been written about this topic, but I think you get the picture. If you do want a more extensive list, you can download my free red flags guide here.

If you were or are unaware of these tactics, as I was, then it is easy to get caught up in the web of lies and abuse as you begin to deteriorate in every way possible. The effects of the abuse cycle and tactics are very real and manifest not only emotionally and psychologically but often also physically. The goal of these tactics is to wear you down to the point you become so dependent and so weak that it becomes near impossible to leave.

Common Symptoms of Toxic Relationships

I mentioned some of the symptoms I experienced at the beginning of this article, but there are many. The mind-body connection is real, and here are some of the common symptoms that result from unhealthy relationships.

“But still, how can this happen? I’m not stupid, so how could I fall for it?”

The shame that accompanies these kinds of relationships is real. I wrote an article to help with this, too. But let’s take a look at the science…

The Science Behind the Bond

Essentially, unhealthy relationships can lead to CPTSD — Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Psychological abuse impacts two areas of the brain — the hippocampus and amygdala.

The hippocampus is in charge of the short-term memory basics and is necessary for forming new memories and learning. Studies have shown that high cortisol (stress hormone) levels and greater levels of PTSD symptoms lead to decreases in hippocampal volume.

What this means is that the more intense and longer the relationship with an emotionally abusive partner, the more your hippocampus will deteriorate and, consequently, the more severe the effects on your short-term memory. If you have multiple relationships like this, the effects will be cumulative.

So, if you feel like you are losing your mind, take a step back and evaluate your situation and who you are surrounding yourself with. Of course, it may just be that you are tired because you’ve recently worked long hours or the like. However, it may be something that warrants your serious attention.

The amygdala is in charge of processing memory, decision-making, and emotional reactions. It’s the emotional compass that decides if we go to the frontal lobe/neocortex thinking brain or the fight or flight response state in the reptile/primal brain.

Amygdala hijacking is a term coined by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, to describe how the primal emotional response takes over the brain in an emergency. Essentially, trauma overloads the nervous system with electromagnetic energy. It shuts down basic systems needed for thinking and instead sends energy/memory to survival.

Psychological abusers are masters at triggering the amygdala hijacking. This explains how you get hooked back in the hoovering stage before you consciously realise it’s happening. And many victims get pulled back in by the hoovering for years after they have been discarded. Every time the fight or flight state is triggered, the trauma bond strengthens.

Renowned doctor, psychiatrist, and brain disorder specialist Daniel Amen says, “When your brain is in trouble, you unconsciously make decisions that lead to more trouble. To make good decisions, you need to be brain-healthy.”

So, you see, the effects of the abuse cycle are very complex. And if you are, or have ever been, a victim of abuse, please know that it is not your fault. Empathy is inherently a wonderful quality to have, yet it, unfortunately, is often accompanied by a lack of healthy boundaries.

What’s important to understand is that the abuse game is set up for you to lose. The only way to win is to tap out. I finally did, and so can you.

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How To Move Forward

Some of this information may take a while to sink in, especially if it’s the first time you’re hearing it. I remember how hard it was for me to wrap my head around someone being so intentionally cruel — especially someone I loved.

But awareness is the first step towards transformation. I hope this article has shed some light on your relationships for you. Being willing to see things for what they are and not what we thought they were or wish them to be. Then comes healing, and you can’t outsource that.

At the end of the day, as much as other people may have wronged us, we have no power to change anybody else. It’s not about them. It’s about us. The only person we can change is ourselves. And so if you want a different future, YOU have to change. And if you’re ready for that, then you can start by reading my article on that here.