Do Opposites Really Attract?
Empathy vs. Compassion: Understanding the Key Difference for Deeper Human Connection
As originally published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life on Medium.com.
Image: francescoch on iStock
I am a recovering empath. I used to believe empathy was a good personal quality. I also kept attracting relationships with individuals who, to varying degrees, lacked empathy and I never understood why this kept happening. But through my journey of self-evolution, I have come to understand how empathy only hinders me from creating and becoming all I wish. Compassion, on the other hand, is helping me get there. This article explains why.
…..
The Notion That Opposites Attract
Opposites attract. It’s such a common phrase used to explain human relationships and, at a surface level, often appears to be true. We look for that in others which we are/have not ourselves.
The idea that opposites attract is nothing new.
In mathematics, the plus and the minus come together to cancel each other out.
In physics, opposite charges attract each other. When a positive charge and a negative charge interact, their forces act in the same direction.
In ancient Chinese philosophy and spirituality, yin and yang are often referred to as opposite or contrary forces that create each other by their comparison and are to be seen as complementary and interconnected.
When it came to human relationships, the same principle seemed to be widely accepted as well.
But if this were the case, then why, for example, are divorce rates so high all over the world? Or why is there so much employee turnover in companies?
In the US alone, 40–50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce and the average annual company turnover rate is 47%.
Is it the ‘opposite’ that is attracting us? Or is it something else?
The Law of Attraction
The premise behind the law of attraction is that everything is energy. We are energy — all vibrating at certain frequencies. And it is the same frequency which we emit that we attract.
“Law of Attraction: That which is likened to itself is drawn.”
— Abraham Hicks
As such, it is not what we see at the surface level that matters, but our deep-seated feelings below the surface. For it is our feelings that determine the frequency at which we vibrate.
The better we feel, the higher our vibration, the more we allow what we desire into our life. The worse we feel, the lower our vibration, the more we resist it. Our emotions are our inner guidance system — our compass — to living a happy, fulfilling life.
I wrote more about this in “3 Steps to Magnetising Everything You Want.”
In other words, two people can be opposite in terms of skillset, possessions, habits, hobbies, looks, or almost anything else, but if they are drawn to each other, it is because they are emitting the same, or very similar, vibrational frequency.
Abraham Hicks’ Emotional Guidance Scale is a useful guide to understanding where we are vibrationally.
Image: Revival Health GmbH — adapted from Abraham Hicks‘ work
Understanding this has given me an entirely new perspective on relationships and an acute awareness of how we create our own reality — as uncomfortable as that sometimes is.
Blaming others for our dissatisfaction is much easier than facing off with oneself. #askmehowiknow
And yet, the more I accept this, the more empowered I feel.
Empathy vs Compassion
I remember believing what a great personal quality empathy was. I self-sacrificed for others constantly and believed I would somehow be rewarded for my selflessness.
Needless to say, I could not have been more wrong. Most of my relationships involved me giving and others taking — in romance and at work.
And I waited for the reward. For the love. For the care. For the raise. For the promotion. And waited. And waited. And waited. Until there was almost nothing left of me — emotionally, mentally, physically.
I finally understand why.
Empathy is defined as:
“The ability to understand and share the feelings of another”
— Oxford Language Dictionary
The key word in this is share.
Empathy is looking right at something uncomfortable and holding myself in that discomfort. Energetically my vibration plummets because I have to go down to meet the uncomfortable.
Empathy is often linked to tolerance. And tolerance is one of the most ineffective, unproductive, not good for us, emotions that we could ever foster and encourage.
Because tolerance is looking right at something unwanted, feeling the inner guidance of being off track, and then learning to accept it as a feeling that we are willing to endure. And this will never lead us to where we want to go.
Now, of course, there are moments in life when tolerance is necessary. For example, I was at a concert last night. A couple was sitting right in front of me who kept talking throughout the performance. It was rude and disrespectful, but I tolerated it because causing a scene would only have disrupted the concert even more.
But these are moments, not long-term relationships.
Moving through life as an empath and tolerating poor behaviours and situations ensures our vibration remains low, resulting in the continuous attraction of other low-vibrational individuals and situations such as poor health, bad ‘luck’, toxic environments and much more.
Once I understood this, I could begin to transform my empathy into compassion.
Compassion is defined as:
“Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others”
— Oxford Language Dictionary
The key word in this is others.
Compassion is looking right at something uncomfortable, but not feeling the discomfort of it. Energetically my vibration remains as it is because I’m in alignment with my inner Being.
And because I hold my vibrational stance, I’m bringing pure positive energy to the situation. In the best-case scenario, I help lift the energy around me, thereby improving the situation. But at the very least, I don’t hurt me.
The diagram below depicts my current understanding of how the law of attraction (like attracts like) results in the appearance of opposites attracting.
Image: Revival Health GmbH
As an empath, I attracted apathetic people, often narcissists. The behaviour was the opposite, but our vibrational frequency was the same — underscored by low self-worth and codependency. I wrote more about that in “Why We Feel Like We Are Not Enough.”
As we learn, evolve and move up the Emotional Guidance Scale our vibration increases. The higher our vibration, the less ‘opposite’ we will attract.
Because we will have healthy boundaries. Because we will know our worth. Because we will begin to choose people with shared values. And most of all, because we will understand that we, and we alone, are responsible for our feelings and well-being.
…..
I’m a work in progress, climbing the proverbial emotional and vibrational ladder one step at a time. However, the truth is, that it’s much more of a wave, with many ups and downs. But that’s ok, as long as I keep moving in the right direction. And my life and emotions today tell me that I am.
Wherever you are on your healing journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.